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The number two most hated company in my pantheon of "Most Hated Companies" is FedEx. In the eleven years that I have lived in the house, NOT ONCE has FedEx ever managed to deliver a package, parcel, or letter (regardless of service level) on time or correctly. In fact, I no longer purchase from companies that only ship through this shitbag company. Unfortunately, I don't always have a choice when I am expecting something really important -- like the final payout of vacation from my previous job.
So last Friday, sick as a dog, I left work early. When I finally arrived home, I expected to see the package at my door. After 5:00 passed, I checked online with their worthless tracking system to see where it was. Their tracking system "Left on front porch near front door". Hmm... I thought to myself. I came in the back door. I checked the porch. So I walked all the way around the porch, checked near my law tractor (parked on the side porch), looked around the grill. Even checked off the sides of the porch (in case it blew away).
No package.
So I called. Well, since I wasn't the customer, that didn't do much. It also didn't help when I called the driver a complete frakking moron.
So I thought to myself, maybe the moron delivered it to a neighbor. THAT has happened before, because apparently, the big 5" numbers on the house that point toward York Road -- and are a mere 8 ft from the road -- aren't clear enough. I mean, heck, a blind man with no hands can figure out the address, but apparently the crap flinging monkeys that drive FedEx trucks are just too dumb.
So on Saturday, I checked with my neighbors. No dice. Saturday afternoon (still not feeling great), I even drove over to OLD YORK ROAD to see if it was delivered to a similar number over there. Only problem: there is no 20000 block of OLD YORK ROAD. It's a corn field. The houses jump from 20800 to 21000. So I check the houses there. No dice. The crap flinging moron could even get that right.
So, here I am out, waiting for my former employer to get this straightened out, while FedEx continues its decade-old streak of not being able to find a house that has been here FOR 101 FRAKKING YEARS. That's right, my little old farm house is so old, it's been here longer than John McCain has breathing. My house is so old, the original route for York Road runs through the back yard (black top and all, thank you). My house is so old, my backyard shed is the old smoke house. My septic pit was HAND DUG and HAND-LINED with stone and block. But apparently, FedEx can't find the house. Google Maps can find it. Google Earth can find it. Mapquest can find. Heck, I am sure the NSA knows right where it is.
Even the Baltimore County Police -- who spend less time in Northern Baltimore County per capita than anyone other than T. Bryan McIntire (my county councilslug) -- know EXACTLY where the house is.
But FedEx, for ten years running, is incapable of mustering any of its technological capabilities to deliver one letter to one small farm house 8FT FROM THE ROAD.
Because when it absolutely, positively has to be there, find out what Brown can do for you. Because UPS always gets it here on time.
And if any FedEx employees are reading this: you work for a purely frakked-up company. Get out now, while you can.
Of course, it is also just one more reason to hate the Redskins.